*warning* written in frustration

Am I pregnant? Yes. Does this mean I'm disabled or crippled in any way? No.  I may a FEW limitations when it comes to what I come in contact with at work (considering it's an emergency room and people come in with God only knows what) and some slight changes in weight and movement at the gym.
That being said, Stephen and I tried for years to have this baby, I know what my body can and can't handle, in no way would I put myself or my baby in harms way.
It's nice to be considered and for people to offer their help, but if I tell you no thank you, I'm ok, I'm fine, or anything along those lines please know I mean it. I may need more help as I progresses and will adjust what I do when the time comes. But please don't tell me what I can and can't do, I know what my body is capable of.
And as far as crossfit goes, I have every intention of continuing to attend regular classes until I deliver or until my body says otherwise. I have been trained by experienced professionals who have and will continue to guide me in my workouts throughout my pregnancy. Crossfit gets a bad reputation when you have trainers with little to no experience and when you as an athlete are not properly trained to do the required movements correctly. My gym has many EXPERIENCED trainers who know what they are doing and know how to train athletes. I trust them and trust that in the past two years they have trained me in the correct way to perform safely and to the best of my abilities.
I am strong. Mentally and physically. I know what I'm capable of.
Thank you to all those who have and will continue to support me and I stay strong for myself and for our little one.

Well it's official…

The past two days have been filled with joyous laughter and tears.

After a year and a half of fertility treatments and a roller coster of emotions, the day is finally here. The day we get to tell our friends and family we are expecting.

None of this has gone according to our plans, but as God has shown us throughout our whole marriage, it's not our plans that matter, it's His. 

After trying for so long my emotions just got the better of me… I needed a break. Stephen and I wanted to just take a breather and focus on becoming foster parents (which we still intend to do just in a slightly different way, ill talk about this later) so we did we stop going to all the doctors appointments and just lived our lives. Everyone told me this would happen, it was actually frustrating to constantly hear "oh you can't have kids… just stop trying, it's works every time" now I feel bad, because they were right. 

Im pregnant 

Im thrilled. More then words can describe, but that joy is tainted with worry and fear. We have run into bumps before so it's hard not to let your mind go there. 

We didn't plan to tell anyone but our immediate family and a couple close friends for at least another few weeks, or that's what I thought. But as I'm sure you have seen on Facebook the news is out! My wonderful husband couldn't contain himself. Im not sure if I have ever seen someone so happy. His joy and faith in the Lord takes away all my worries and fears. 

I have never been so happy to feel so sick. Every pregnancy symptom thus far brings me immense joy. Pregnancy is truly a gift from God, and I'm going to soak up every second of it, the good and bad.  

Faith and Frustration

Patience. This is something I'm not very good at. I think the more I ask God to give me patients the more He just gives me opportunities to be patient… 

Stephen and I are ready to be parents. We have been for some time now. 

We have tried having our own child, but for now God has other plans for us. Right now we feel like our focus should be on being the best foster parents we can be. God has been tugging on my heart for some time. It's not until last summer that we actually started the paperwork. 

I have got the impression from many people that we may be a little crazy, Stephen working full time, me being in nursing school, and our friends and family being so far away. But God wants what he wants. I am reminded time and time again that we won't be given anything we can't handle. I have complete faith in Him.

Just because Im a follower of Jesus and do my best to serve Him daily, doesn't mean I'm not going to run into obsticals along the way. And let me tell you Iv run into a LOT of issues. It's mostly been with paperwork and scheduling, to become a foster parent you have to do an insane amount of paperwork! Because we lived in Washington and within the last 5 years the paperwork almost doubled. Childcare has been a whole nother issue. Because I'm in school and not working full time CPS won't cover childcare at all. It's now going to have to come out of our own pockets (I'll address how we will deal with this issue at a later date.)  

The paperwork was turned in almost 2 months ago…we completed the home inspections, fire inspections, paperwork, scheduling work around childcare, finding a babysitter, completing the nursery and making sure it was up to code along with everything else in our home (including babyproffing like you would never believe!) yet we still don't have a baby…. waiting to become a parent takes a lot of patience, wether your having your own child or taking in one of God's own children. 

All that's left is an interview, but for some reason it has been incredibly hard to schedule with the agency… all we can do is wait. 

I think Im being tested. This is yet another situation where God is giving me an opportunity to be patient.  

BUT I have faith in God's perfect timing. As much as I want to be angry with this whole process I know there is a reason behind it, I know that God is in control.  

Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing who holds the future. 

Update!

Well if you haven't heard Stephen and decided to become foster parents last summer. It has been a long road, lots of classes, paperwork and inspections. I am pleased to announce we will be certified this January! Which also happens to be the month I start nursing school... So naturally people are curious how we are going to make this work.

Fist off becoming foster parents is something God laid on our hearts months ago. Every time I question it or try to put it off God reminds us of his plan. 

“You are the helper of the fatherless. Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more.” – Psalms 10:14,17-18

 

I am continually reminded that God will not give us anything we can't handle. God has worked everything out perfectly! I didn't get into nursing school when I first applied, so I ended up taking more classes that go toward my nursing degree, therefore I now will have a much lighter school load! Isn't it great how God worked that out? 

I know everything will workout. I know this is what God has planned for us and Im so excited to become a foster mom! If anyone has questions please don't hesitate to ask. Thanks you all for your love and support and we venture into this new stage in our life. 

It starts with YOU.

Lets start by defining selfishness. Webster says it's being "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself :  seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others"

To succeed in life, by societies standards anyways, some selfishness is needed. You take advantage of those around you and do things for yourself, otherwise you will never make it to the top, not in your job, not socially, not even with your own family. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't you just work hard, and do things for others, why do people who are selfless get no recognition?   Im not sure how our society has become this way. The majority of people I have met in the past few years have been so self centered. Why do we only care about ourselves? our own lives? 

I went on a mission trip a few years back, the theme was "give me your eye" it was about seeing the world through God's eyes, and frankly I don't like what I see. There are people out there somewhere who are living for God, the way He intended us to live, but more often then not I see people, even those who call themselves Christians, living and acting in a way that does not bring honor to the Lord. My heart breaks for those effected by the selfish actions of others.   Im not perfect by any means, I have messed up, and I have been selfish, but I try to put others first. I try to look at every situation as if I were the one experiencing it, as if it were me going through what that person is going through. What if more people did this? Would it change anything? There are so many negative things happening in this world that are effected by the selfish acts of other. I know the majority of you want to see something done about this. Obama won the election by preaching about all the things he would "change" has it happened? No. Why? Because change starts with you. One person. That's all it takes. Change yourself, stop blaming others and asking "why does't somebody do soothing about about that?" and be the somebody. Be the person who changes someones life for the better. Who makes a positive impact instead of a negative one.   My hope for the remainder of this year, and next, is to see people love on one another more. To put their own needs aside for someone else. To pay it forward. I know this all sounds clique being that the holidays are just around the corner, but it's something that has been weighing on my heart for a while now. I will be that somebody. Will you? 

A Calling

Stephen and I have been married for 4 years now. That is 4 years to grow, love and connect on a much deeper level then I though possible.

God has placed something on our hearts.

It started on my first day working on my own as an ER tech. I wasn't prepared for the situation I was about to encounter. I turned the corner to see a commotion going on around room 20. I peeked my head in as saw a lady sitting in the corner, an overwhelmed look on her face. In the arms of one of our night nurses was little boy. He was maybe 15 months old. He was only wearing a diaper and cover in what looked like exema, chicken pocks, hives and poison ivy combined (It turned out to be cat scratch decease that has gone untreated for months)  At first I though he was having some bizzar allergic reaction, then I noticed his hair, brittle and matted, it was blonde and looked filthy.
I was suddenly so angry and the lady sitting in the corner. How could she let it get that bad. How could she just sit there while her son was obviously in pain.
I asked what was going on and if she was his mother, to my relief she said "no, I am a foster parent, I got a call at 2am, him and his siblings showed up an hour later, I didn't realize it was this bad and brought in right in" I felt instantly relieved.
He itched from head to toe, you could tell he was in so much pain. We had to tape socks around his hands so he wouldn't break open more of his skin, they didn't help that much. He itched so bad for so long he had scabs covering his body where he has tore his skin open from itching so much.
He didn't want to be held, he didn't want to be comforted, fear filled his eye every time someone entered his room.
I knew this was not normal behavior. I asked his foster mom what condition they found him in, this is what she said, "He was found on the floor with rats, cockroaches, cats, even cat poop. His older siblings talked about getting beat every night before bed, not eating for days, and being left alone in the house for hours on end" She went on and on and my heart broke for the little boy on the bed. She said flat out she felt like she couldn't do it, it was to much to have her own kids, him and his siblings, but there was nowhere else for him to go.
I stayed with hime for 6 hours constantly rubbing anti itch cream all over his body, trying to give him some sort of relief.
I wanted to do more, I wanted to take him home, care for him and show him God's abundant love.
Thats when I really started researching how to become a foster parent. I found out that Midland and Odessa are incredibly short on foster families, to the point where they are having send the children all they way to Dallas!
But thats it, all I did was read... I never did anything about it. I found reasons, selfish reasons why we shouldn't do it.
God knows me, he tugged at my heart strings for 10 months, child after child came into the ER, sometime brought my their parents and others by foster families. Most of them had major physical and physiological damage.
I finally had enough. After talking it over with Stephen and praying about it for 10 months we finally contacted a foster/adoption agency.
It has been a long process. We are finally only a home study away from being certified foster parents!
We still have concerns, it's not an easy road, but we know that this is what God wants, he won't give us anything we can't handle. We may not say yes right away, we get a call and have 30 min to make a decision, I know God will guid us and prepare us for whatever lyes ahead.
Pray for strength and guidance as we do our best to answer this call.

Greater things are yet to come

I find out in the next week or so if I got into nursing school or not....
This is a really big deal for anyone, let alone me. I was not the best high school student and after I graduated I took a few basic classes at the community college for a year. I was then married and moved off to TX.  School was put on the back burner as I worked two jobs to support Stephen and I while he played baseball for Texas Tech University.
As much as I always wanted to be a nurse I never thought it was an actual possibility. It's my ultimate dream job, who gets to say they are doing the one thing in life they always dreamed they would be doing. My theory is that we spend most of our lives working, if we aren't doing something that we love our lives would be pretty miserable.
So I started plucking away at my prerequisites about a year ago, taking 14-18 hours at a time. With Stephen working here in Midland my choices in schools are pretty limited, and each school requires different prerequisites. I catered mine to Midland College. Texas Tech has a P.A. program there and we would share a simulation lab, which is known to be one of the best in TX!
I applied for the spring program (2014) I find out in a week or so if I got in. This will be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.
I had a little scare last week finding out that the only program I applied to lost their accreditation (which is a huge deal) you wouldn't want to go to a non-accredited school no matter how good their simulation lab is. Like I said this was only a scare, they ARE accredited, the national accreditation program made a mistake.
So as the excitement builds I am reminded of the many blessings God has bestowed on my life. I am filled with joy knowing He is with me no matter where I go. Every blessing in this life comes from Him. It will be His will whether or not I get into nursing school, whatever the decision is, I am looking forward to seeing where God will take me.