Why I "chose" to get pregnant when I did

Im not really sure how this is even a question… you can "plan" to get pregnant and try all you want, but if for some reason God doesn't think your ready it's not gonna happen. This happened to us, and it has happened to several of my friends, why some people struggle with infertility, yet others can get pregnant by looking at each other is beyond me. Infertility is handled and looked at in a variety of ways, not just by the couple involved but by those closest to them. Pretending to know what that couple is going through or has gone through, even if you have struggled with infertility, probably isn't the smartest decision, because like I said, every situation is different, everyone handles this issue in a very unique way.

That being said, Stephen and I knew we would have issues getting pregnant. This was helpful in our situation, we saw a specialist early and didn't feel rushed, it wasn't until we had been seeing him for almost two years that I really started to feel discouraged. I can remember the emotional roller coaster we found ourselves riding (I can't speak for my husband, but for me this was the hardest part.) Towards the end we had been going in a few times a week almost every week, and many times I would have to make this trip on my own (it would have been a lot to ask for Stephen to take that much time off work.) After I miscarried in November (the day I found out I got into nursing school oddly enough) We decided we needed to take a little break. It was to much for me to handle emotionally. I wanted to focus on becoming a foster mom, something we had been working on for about a year (this is something I addressed in detail in another blog and won't address here) I felt as though being a mom to those in need, even if it was temporary, was something God was calling me to do. Little did I know, the day before we had our last interview I found out I was pregnant… and the roller coaster continued.

I was over the moon when I found out, we hadn't seen our doctor in a little over a month, I had stopped taking my fertility medication and focused on loosing some weight (weight gain was just one of the lovely side effects of the hormone medication I was placed on) I felt like it was to good to be true, and naturally I was scared giving my medical history. Not only that but I know myself, and I know my limitations, I knew I would not be able to handle nursing school, a newborn AND a foster child. So we put fostering on the back burner, for now.

Im not sure how my husband was able to handle all these changes, wife just starting nursing school, emotional and physically preparing to welcome someone else's child into his home, then being told he was going to welcome is own child in eight short months…

I was blessed with a pretty easy pregnancy, I continued to workout, and had very little sickness. Until a couple weeks ago everything felt like a dream, it didn't feel like we were actually going to be parents, that Stephen and I were going to welcome a daughter into this world in 5 short weeks.

Then we hit another bump in to road. I went into "false labor" at 34 weeks, my blood pressure was elevated, but that was attributed to the fact that I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes, I was put on modified bed rest (pretty much just hanging out at the house, feet up, trying to stay relaxed etc.) A week later by blood pressure had risen some more and I was sent back to the hospital for monitoring, I started a 24 hour urine and had some blood work done that monday. The next day I got a call saying I had developed preeclampsia. (if your interested in reading about it… http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/preeclampsia/basics/definition/CON-20031644)
I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy and told they would be delivering by daughter in just a little over week.

Talk about a wild ride huh? We now plan to welcome our daughter into this world in four days. My mom has flown in to help us prepare for her arrival and to watch over me while my husband is at work.

There is a lot more to this story, but you get to idea. It doesn't matter how much we try to plan and prepare, God has is own plan for our lives, we just have to remind ourselves that his plan is better then ours.

You can look at someone else's life and judge all you want, give advice and tell them how hard you think it's going to be. But the fact of the matter is, I didn't "choose" to get pregnant, God blessed me with the greatest miracle imaginable, in His time and in His way. This is a grift from Him, and I thank Him daily for the struggles, for when you depend on God continually your whole perspective changes. You see miracles while others see a natural "coincidences." By living in dependence of God, knowing that his plans are far superior to ours, is an intimate adventure, and whats life without a little adventure?  

 

*warning* written in frustration

Am I pregnant? Yes. Does this mean I'm disabled or crippled in any way? No.  I may a FEW limitations when it comes to what I come in contact with at work (considering it's an emergency room and people come in with God only knows what) and some slight changes in weight and movement at the gym.
That being said, Stephen and I tried for years to have this baby, I know what my body can and can't handle, in no way would I put myself or my baby in harms way.
It's nice to be considered and for people to offer their help, but if I tell you no thank you, I'm ok, I'm fine, or anything along those lines please know I mean it. I may need more help as I progresses and will adjust what I do when the time comes. But please don't tell me what I can and can't do, I know what my body is capable of.
And as far as crossfit goes, I have every intention of continuing to attend regular classes until I deliver or until my body says otherwise. I have been trained by experienced professionals who have and will continue to guide me in my workouts throughout my pregnancy. Crossfit gets a bad reputation when you have trainers with little to no experience and when you as an athlete are not properly trained to do the required movements correctly. My gym has many EXPERIENCED trainers who know what they are doing and know how to train athletes. I trust them and trust that in the past two years they have trained me in the correct way to perform safely and to the best of my abilities.
I am strong. Mentally and physically. I know what I'm capable of.
Thank you to all those who have and will continue to support me and I stay strong for myself and for our little one.

Well it's official…

The past two days have been filled with joyous laughter and tears.

After a year and a half of fertility treatments and a roller coster of emotions, the day is finally here. The day we get to tell our friends and family we are expecting.

None of this has gone according to our plans, but as God has shown us throughout our whole marriage, it's not our plans that matter, it's His. 

After trying for so long my emotions just got the better of me… I needed a break. Stephen and I wanted to just take a breather and focus on becoming foster parents (which we still intend to do just in a slightly different way, ill talk about this later) so we did we stop going to all the doctors appointments and just lived our lives. Everyone told me this would happen, it was actually frustrating to constantly hear "oh you can't have kids… just stop trying, it's works every time" now I feel bad, because they were right. 

Im pregnant 

Im thrilled. More then words can describe, but that joy is tainted with worry and fear. We have run into bumps before so it's hard not to let your mind go there. 

We didn't plan to tell anyone but our immediate family and a couple close friends for at least another few weeks, or that's what I thought. But as I'm sure you have seen on Facebook the news is out! My wonderful husband couldn't contain himself. Im not sure if I have ever seen someone so happy. His joy and faith in the Lord takes away all my worries and fears. 

I have never been so happy to feel so sick. Every pregnancy symptom thus far brings me immense joy. Pregnancy is truly a gift from God, and I'm going to soak up every second of it, the good and bad.  

Faith and Frustration

Patience. This is something I'm not very good at. I think the more I ask God to give me patients the more He just gives me opportunities to be patient… 

Stephen and I are ready to be parents. We have been for some time now. 

We have tried having our own child, but for now God has other plans for us. Right now we feel like our focus should be on being the best foster parents we can be. God has been tugging on my heart for some time. It's not until last summer that we actually started the paperwork. 

I have got the impression from many people that we may be a little crazy, Stephen working full time, me being in nursing school, and our friends and family being so far away. But God wants what he wants. I am reminded time and time again that we won't be given anything we can't handle. I have complete faith in Him.

Just because Im a follower of Jesus and do my best to serve Him daily, doesn't mean I'm not going to run into obsticals along the way. And let me tell you Iv run into a LOT of issues. It's mostly been with paperwork and scheduling, to become a foster parent you have to do an insane amount of paperwork! Because we lived in Washington and within the last 5 years the paperwork almost doubled. Childcare has been a whole nother issue. Because I'm in school and not working full time CPS won't cover childcare at all. It's now going to have to come out of our own pockets (I'll address how we will deal with this issue at a later date.)  

The paperwork was turned in almost 2 months ago…we completed the home inspections, fire inspections, paperwork, scheduling work around childcare, finding a babysitter, completing the nursery and making sure it was up to code along with everything else in our home (including babyproffing like you would never believe!) yet we still don't have a baby…. waiting to become a parent takes a lot of patience, wether your having your own child or taking in one of God's own children. 

All that's left is an interview, but for some reason it has been incredibly hard to schedule with the agency… all we can do is wait. 

I think Im being tested. This is yet another situation where God is giving me an opportunity to be patient.  

BUT I have faith in God's perfect timing. As much as I want to be angry with this whole process I know there is a reason behind it, I know that God is in control.  

Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but knowing who holds the future.